Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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