My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
