My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
