I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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