we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
