Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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