Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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