what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
