If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
