wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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