I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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