Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
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