Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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