I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
