Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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