haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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