I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
