Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
