The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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