Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
