And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
