He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
