are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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