First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
God I need to hump something, right now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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