Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
barbara walters just said penis...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
