forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
whose parrot is this?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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