whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
