You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
