dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize