Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
