I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
