Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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