I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
