You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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