Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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