cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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