In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
