My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
