i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
