I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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