Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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