I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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