i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i drank out of a bidet.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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