he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize