my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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