Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
