I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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