I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
