Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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