I will die if light touches me.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
