Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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