Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
