She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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