You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
