I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
