Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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