you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
