Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
