I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
