Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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