Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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