I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
