So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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