no one should ever give us hovercrafts
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
