I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
