Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
